Clarification on a tired topic:

I'm posting this in response to the comments I've gotten from my dear readers about my wedding plight. I'm only posting this here, not on MySpace, because I really don't want him to read it and I'm not sure if he does read the MS blog but I know he doesn't read this one: I forbade it about 2 1/2 years ago and I don't think he's looked back since. So here goes:

Christen and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years now. We started dating in December 2002 and have since been joined at the hip. We love each other with a love that I have never known before, either in giving or receiving. I know, without a doubt, that he is the one for me. He as well often mentions that I am the only one for him.

About the wedding, though, he and I have been talking seriously about getting married for more than a year. We talk in passing about our colors, our flowers, what kind of car we want to take us from the wedding to the reception ... this talk isn't at all one-sided. We both have brought things up about it when we think about it. He's taken me ring shopping once. Sunday we were at the beach and he brings up how before the wedding he wants to work out a lot to get back to the shape he was in before we started dating and I fattened him up (that last part is my embellishment, but we all know it's true). I said, "What wedding?" because we're going to two in the next five weeks and I can't imagine him dropping too much weight between now and then. "Ours, of course" was his response. Of course.

So I've been getting a little frustrated at the fact that a very large chunk of my friends have been getting married and/or engaged in the last year. And by a large chunk I mean more than 20. So my thoughts are consumed by weddings. Planning other people's, deciding what to get for this or that bridal shower, and in the meantime I've started planning ours. It just happened: I was helping his cousin shop for a dress for her wedding and I picked out mine. I was with my best friend shopping for bridesmaids dresses and I picked out the ones I wanted too. And it doesn't help that he eggs it on -- he asked me over lunch a few weeks ago what colors I had decided on for the wedding.

In the immortal words of Billy Crystal, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." So this is where I am on the subject.

He, on the other hand, seems to think the talking comes easier than the doing. I've tried figuring out what the problem is. He's very traditional, so I know he doesn't want me to propose to him. And I've explained to him that if money is the issue, I don't need much of a ring to start. A pretty promise ring or something is quite fine with me -- upgrades can always come later. But I think (I think, because he's not quite so forthcoming with information) is that he just wants everything to be perfect first. He's not at the job that he wants right now, we don't have all the money we'd like to have right now, etc etc. But life isn't perfect, and I guess he doesn't realize that right now.

The reason I've stopped talking to him about wedding stuff is twofold. a) because it bothers me to talk about something that isn't happening right now, and b) because I don't want to pressure him into doing something he's now ready for. I know we're meant to be together. I just wish the rest of my life would start sooner rather than later.


How I know she's mine.

So I was heating up my "Legumes of the Gods" (see prior entry) and Lola had gotten into something, as she always does. It sounded like she was eating a bead, and I knew I didn't have any beads out and about that she could get to, so I was concerned. Actually I'd be concerned if she was eating a bead too, as they're small and can get lodged in her throat ... but that's a digression. Anywho, so I tried to get her to spit it out, but of course she won't, so I go back into the kitchen while looking back at her to see if it falls out of her mouth. Even though it's small, I can see that she's having trouble with whatever t is, so I watch and then it falls. I grab the nape of her neck so she doesn't go back in for the kill and pick up the little piece of something to inspect it further. It's glass. A little piece of reddened glass. You know why she's chewing on it? Because it's there.

Speaking of which, I need to go out today and get some underwear. I'm pitifully low on stock, and it's her fault. They always end up in the back yard. But I guess it's cheaper than the shoes I was replacing before.

Legumes of the gods

So I'm now addicted to these boiled peanuts in a bag that they sell at the grocery store -- absolutely fabulous :)

Please explain one thing: I know they're amazing, but why-oh-why are they being sold on eBay?

Looks like I fooled them!

How evil are you?


Originally posted April 13

When I was in college and living more than a half hour by highway from school, if I got on the interstate and it was too jammed, I'd likely turn around and go back home. Nowadays, I live exactly 20 miles from work, which is usually a 30-minute drive. Now, mind you, I never ever get to work on time. Ever. I think I feel worse about this than my bosses, as they never seem to care since I get my work done. Damn gridlock.

April Fool's:

originally posted April 13

Stacy has decided that the full month of April is all about the pranks. She and this guy in Atlanta have been pranking eachother back and forth ... so she decided to have him help her pull a prank on us -- but it backfired. Here's the scoop:
Stacy and Bob decide to have him email her friends: April, Other April and Suzanne; and say that when she comes home in May that he's going to ask her to move back to Atlanta. So he does send this email, but instead of just saying that he plans on asking her this, he outlines the joke and wants the girls to go along with him on a joke on Stacy where they go all for it and tell her she should move back with him.
Before this joke really gets started, Stacy calls April and tells her about the joke because she feels bad about pranking them. She's worried that they're going to get mad. April reassures her that they won't be mad and that she should go ahead with the joke. April then calls Other April and tells her of the confession (the girls already knew about the joke to begin with). So by the time April gets to work the next day it is decided that Other April and Suzanne will play that they are mad because they figured out the joke.
So on the same day Stacy tries to make plans with TJ, a guy who works with the girls (but not Stacy, she works with a different company now) for him to drive all the girls out to have lunch with her sometime next week. So he sends out the email, and Other April convinces him to tell Stacy that April is in, but Other April and Suzanne are out because they said they're mad about something. So then Stacy gets worried and starts emailing April and Bob (the one in Atlanta) trying to figure out why they're mad (thinking it's because of the joke). April and Bob become evasive, saying they don't know, haven't had time to check, blah blah blah.
April suggests to Stacy that if she thinks they are mad at her, she should email them and find out why. So she does, and Other April emails back that she's not having a problem with work, but that she found out some things that she's disappointed about and she doesn't want to talk about it by email. And Stacy says, "with me?" and Other April says yes, but she's not going to talk about it on the computer.
So this freaks Stacy out big time. Her fears have come true -- she made her friends mad with this silly joke about her moving back to Atlanta with Bob, whom she just met a month ago. She's pacing her office, fighting back the tears, when the email comes back from Other April:
I'm disappointed in you ... for falling for it! April Fool's!

Castles and Princesses:

Originally posted on April 12

Shell and I went out to Target last night after making wedding favors to get more candy for the wedding favors (who knew these things were going to take so many bags of candy? We've done 25 bags of candy and we still have more to make!) and we ended up walking through the baby clothes. I don't think I needed to do that. Everyone I know (within reason) is getting married, or having kids (even though some of them haven't told their parents about said kids ... you know who you are) and I feel like I'm just sitting here, stagnant. I think I'm becoming resentful, and I don't know what to do about that. I'm really happy, most of the time. We have a great relationship, we have a house and a dog and stable jobs (although we'd really like him to find a better job) and everything generally is wonderful. But I long for my life to move on.
I've stopped talking about marriage with him. We used to talk about it all the time, and make plans and decisions and everything in everyday conversation. We'd walk by a fancy car and he'd say, "Do you want to use one of those instead of a limo?" or we'd be talking over lunch about Shelley's wedding colors and he'd say, "What colors did you want to use?" We'd be in Wal-Mart and I'd say, "I think I want [these people] in the wedding party instead of [this person]," and he'd talk about who could be on his side.
I thought maybe it was the money. His cousin got a big ring, and I know he feels the pressure to upstage that (the husband is his best friend), but really I don't care as much about that. I'd like a big ring, of course, just like any girl. But it doesn't have to be right now. Right now it's more important to me that we get married and move on with our lives. The ring can always come later, right? So I told him so. And he was not receptive. I actually found the conversation stilted, one-sided and hostile. So I dropped that conversation too.
But there's all this talking and no movement. I can't do it anymore. So I've resolved to not talk about our wedding. Period. I'll talk with my girlfriends at work, and with Shelley, but he's cut off from conversation about it. Until it actually happens I've given up hoping it will. Maybe then I won't be so resentful.

Product Placement:

Originally posted April 12:

I've decided to use this forum for good: I'm promoting my new favorite personal hygiene product: the Crest Spin Brush. It's fantastic! Like going to the dentist every day, but without the drilling or the scraping or the guilt for not flossing. Seriously! I've converted all of my friends who weren't already addicted (except Suzanne; she likes the Oral B one because the head is smaller and she has sensitive gums ... now don't read anything dirty into that). But for $5 you get a fantabulous experience! Try one today!

Reflective like a carnival mirror:

Originally posted April 12:

So you know how most people say, "when you look back you'll forget all the bad and just remember the good?" Well, I have to say in hindsight I'm pessimistic as hell. I don't remember the good times right away. The fights, the loneliness, the break-ups, the anger, the daydreams of freedom -- I have a firm grasp on those memories. ... it's not until I find pictures, or letters crammed between the pages of a forgotten book that I am reminded that not everything about my past was black. There were flashes of good in there too, even happiness. I need to be reminded of this every now and again.

Slap my sweet ass and call me Sally:

Originally posted April 10:

So it is a long running idea that I hate hot sauces. Hate em. And it stems from the fact that I hate spicy foods. I just cant eat them they make my mouth uncomfortable. So Ive been going to Tiajuana Flats with the folks from work (Chuck calls it Fiesta time) and then Christen and I go every once in awhile, and I have started trying the hot sauces. Now, Im still a complete wuss at them; I have to let you know that up front. I tried Endorphine Rush (and ate all my tomatoes trying to get rid of the burn) and Don't be a Chicken Shit (not too bad) and one with pecans it it (terrible). But my favorite, and the one I get every time is Slap my Sweet Ass and Call Me Sally. It reminds me of Thai sweet chili sauce. Mmmm. So let it be known that, although a wuss, I have tried and liked a few hot sauces. Dont say I never attempted to branch out.

I'm a pusher, but not a drug pusher

Originally posted April 10:

I seem to have a lot of blogs backed up in my journal, so I thought Id mass drop them onto the server (woohoo! server crash!) and give my readers (of which there are two) my random ramblings. Today and tomorrow it is my intention to catch up on all my emails from the past week or so that I havent gotten to (so if youve written me and I havent written you back, never fear time is here!) that being said, if I havent written you back from Wednesday, Ive forgotten that I didnt reply to your email and you should probably write me again. :) I apologize in advance.

I am in need of book and music recommendations as of late. Books I dont read supernatural, or books with a lot of foreign names (its my quirk I get lost in the names unless I can substitute Bob or Harry or Soren the Bunny-slayer this is why I never got very far in The Battle Royale). Or comic books, unless they are just fantabulous (and I can find it in Barnes and Noble so I dont have to purchase it). These are my only stipulations. I like normal, wonderful language in novel form. As for music, I like anything except for rap and r&b. I just cant get into it, and youll be wasting your time trying to get me into it. I hear it at my moms house; its not like Im not exposed to it. But I love swing, rockabilly, classic rock, jazz, nerd rock (see the next entry on that), and anything thats well done or even catchy. Sometimes I get hooked on pop music like the rest of you (even you that say you hate pop music its a guilty pleasure because you can always sing along!) although Ill rarely buy these albums. I do need more music for the iPod. Its getting a little redundant lately.

Im entering the home stretch for the next month and a half: After the next 2 weekends, where Im not really required to do too much, I have: Christens cousins wedding, the TMBG show, Shelleys bridal shower, Shelleys bachelorette party, the band reunion, Shelleys wedding (noticing a trend here?) and the trip to Dallas for GeoWoodstock IV. If the weddings dont break the bank, Dallas will do it, Im sure. Im thinking about getting a small loan just to make sure theres money in my account when Im trying to do all this. :)

Im listening to Ben Folds sing Tiny Dancer right now. How do you put that in the listening to category? Hehe.

A tad more sane:

Originally posted April 6:

So I made ribs and smashed cauliflower for dinner, did the dishes, and got a life, so I'm a bit more sane than earlier. Well, for me anyhow. Decided to subscribe to a bunch of people's blogs ... yay for me, right? And I wrote a few more first sentences in my journal. One of these days I suppose I'll write more. I wrote a short story that Autumn asked me to write, and it was so torturous! And I wasn't thrilled with it once I finished -- it was too obscure. What I wanted to show through didn't come out at all. Don't you hate when that happens? But I'm working on it -- it'll all come together.

Regrets, Writer's Block and Petty Thoughts

Originally posted April 6:

Can you regret the way things came to pass and not regret the things you've done? The long drive home has given way to too many thoughts, too many memories rising to the surface like cream to be scraped off and discarded and yet they cannot be forgotten. I made my decisions and I'm sticking to them because they made me a better person, stronger and more whole. My entire list of friends on this thing are people I once knew, someone I was friends with, someone I was intimate with, someone I loved, someone I envied, someone I played with in the orange tree in the front yard. These things cannot be buried or changed; they just are.

I've been spending my time for the last six months planning. Planning for other people's lives -- their weddings, their children ... planning planning but not for my life, my wedding, my children. I feel so petty to think, when is it going to be me? I don't mean to sound bitter -- all I mean is, if you say you love me and want to spend the rest of our lives together, why can't the rest of our lives begin relatively soon?

I've not been able to write lately. And by lately, I mean the last two years. I have notebooks and notebooks of this and that. Scraps of ideas wadded in my purse. What can a lifetime of first lines get you though?

525,600 minutes

Originally posted April 1st:

I was watching Rent today and, of course, I was waxing nostalgic. So sue me.

How do you measure a year?


Just so you know

I'm not dead. I've actually been doing my blogging on MySpace. I'll forward those blogs to here ... eventually :) Otherwise, let me know if you're on myspace!


awesome :)

Pure Nerd
73 % Nerd, 43% Geek, 17% Dork
For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.

The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.


Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 83% on nerdiness
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You scored higher than 60% on geekosity
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You scored higher than 17% on dork points
Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test