Originally posted April 6:
Can you regret the way things came to pass and not regret the things you've done? The long drive home has given way to too many thoughts, too many memories rising to the surface like cream to be scraped off and discarded and yet they cannot be forgotten. I made my decisions and I'm sticking to them because they made me a better person, stronger and more whole. My entire list of friends on this thing are people I once knew, someone I was friends with, someone I was intimate with, someone I loved, someone I envied, someone I played with in the orange tree in the front yard. These things cannot be buried or changed; they just are.
I've been spending my time for the last six months planning. Planning for other people's lives -- their weddings, their children ... planning planning but not for my life, my wedding, my children. I feel so petty to think, when is it going to be me? I don't mean to sound bitter -- all I mean is, if you say you love me and want to spend the rest of our lives together, why can't the rest of our lives begin relatively soon?
I've not been able to write lately. And by lately, I mean the last two years. I have notebooks and notebooks of this and that. Scraps of ideas wadded in my purse. What can a lifetime of first lines get you though?