Castles and Princesses:

Originally posted on April 12

Shell and I went out to Target last night after making wedding favors to get more candy for the wedding favors (who knew these things were going to take so many bags of candy? We've done 25 bags of candy and we still have more to make!) and we ended up walking through the baby clothes. I don't think I needed to do that. Everyone I know (within reason) is getting married, or having kids (even though some of them haven't told their parents about said kids ... you know who you are) and I feel like I'm just sitting here, stagnant. I think I'm becoming resentful, and I don't know what to do about that. I'm really happy, most of the time. We have a great relationship, we have a house and a dog and stable jobs (although we'd really like him to find a better job) and everything generally is wonderful. But I long for my life to move on.
I've stopped talking about marriage with him. We used to talk about it all the time, and make plans and decisions and everything in everyday conversation. We'd walk by a fancy car and he'd say, "Do you want to use one of those instead of a limo?" or we'd be talking over lunch about Shelley's wedding colors and he'd say, "What colors did you want to use?" We'd be in Wal-Mart and I'd say, "I think I want [these people] in the wedding party instead of [this person]," and he'd talk about who could be on his side.
I thought maybe it was the money. His cousin got a big ring, and I know he feels the pressure to upstage that (the husband is his best friend), but really I don't care as much about that. I'd like a big ring, of course, just like any girl. But it doesn't have to be right now. Right now it's more important to me that we get married and move on with our lives. The ring can always come later, right? So I told him so. And he was not receptive. I actually found the conversation stilted, one-sided and hostile. So I dropped that conversation too.
But there's all this talking and no movement. I can't do it anymore. So I've resolved to not talk about our wedding. Period. I'll talk with my girlfriends at work, and with Shelley, but he's cut off from conversation about it. Until it actually happens I've given up hoping it will. Maybe then I won't be so resentful.


NPR Junky said...

April, this is NOT GOOD. You're hoping to get married to HIM, not to your friends, love. If you two aren't on the same page moving-on wise...maybe you're not meant to be. I don't want to sound cruel, but if you two have different goals...that's not a good sign.

I do hope it works for you both, though.

Jamie said...

Maybe he feels the pressure big time right now to commit because of all the weddings you're attending. What you feel is only natural. I think dropping the wedding talk during this wedding season you're having is a good idea, but you do need to talk about it seriously in the near future if you feel you're ready.

ordinarygirl said...

Sorry that I've never posted. I've been reading your blog for a while now, but I felt too much like a peeping tom or something.

Anyway, your friends are right. You do need to talk to him about it and if it's something you can't talk to him about then maybe there's a deeper problem.

My husband and I dated for over 5 years before we got engaged. We talked about it, but it never happened. I asked him if it was because of me and I realized that he felt a lot of pressure about the ring.

Anyway, long story short, he did propose and we got married (three weeks after he proposed we eloped because I didn't want the big wedding thing) and it worked out. I know that sometimes I send myself into all kinds of thoughts that aren't reality (usually that there's soemthing wrong with me). I'm not saying you're doing that, but that there's probably something you're not seeing.

Talk to him in a way that won't make him feel defensive, if you can. Maybe wait until he asks you questions about your colors or things like that and then gently bring it up. Find out what's making him so uncomfortable because that's the root of the problem.

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