i think the area between the geek tests is most accurate.

I AM 30% GEEK! You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing. Take the GEEK test at Fuali.com

a de-lux apartment.

i got back at him for the cleaning thing:
i was commenting in L's blog and mentioned the jefferson's and got the theme song stuck in his head.
cuz we're movin' on up
to the east side
to a de-lux apartment, in the sky ...



yeah, it's in your head too, now, right?
too bad it's in mine too.

boyz don't do clean.

i think that boys just have a completely different concept of "clean". like, i cleaned the living room and the dining room and said that i had to clean the bedroom and bathroom next. so he says, "i'll clean them. no problem!" and i was all for that because it meant that i didn't have to clean. so the next day he comes home and says, "oh! i have to clean!" and takes out the mop and cleans the kitchen floor and the bathroom floor. but he doesn't sweep first, so there's still crap on the floor that didn't stick to the mop. and he didn't "clean" anything else. so today (two days later, mind you) i cleaned the bathroom and started to fold the laundry (god, i hate that) and tomorrow i'll finish and clean the bedroom. oh, and when he comes home today he says, "i cleaned the kitchen and put away the dishes and cleaned up the dirty ones," but there's still dirty dishes in the sink, and the pan and cutting board he used to make breakfast are still laying out all dirty. arg.

tip for you boys:

half clean = not clean.

period.

high score: 127

other score: 125.

i win, yay!

so i went bowling with ivan and his friends tonight (christen worked) and had a good time. i don't hang out with "other" people very much, so it was fun. they are the type of people i hung out with a lot at school ... i feel old. everyone there graduated high school in like 2002 and stuff, and i graduated college in 2003. yeah, i'm old. but we went to taco bell afterward and i got cinnamon twists and nachos and a small drink for $2.75. hurrah!

when you're good to mama ...

how is queen latifah as big as she is and not have any cellulite? bitch.

so i was thinking. i know i know, you thought you smelled something burning. anywho, i think that if we have to have a fat albert movie we should get a picture pages movie too. you know, picture pages, picture pages, open up your picture pages ... i think it's only fair. then they can make a bill cosby box set that has picture pages, fat albert, his comedy routine, the best of the cosby show and the the best of kids say the darnedest things. see, i even have their marketing strategy planned out. now if only they could find someone to play the pen.

what you missed.

On the last post, I meant to write more but I was typing in the dark and I used the wrong shortcut key and ended up publishing. Oh well, I just went back to bed. Christmas was fun; Jamie spent the day with me on Eve doing Christen’s last-minute shopping for the grandmothers and his father, and then we made cream pralines and pillows for her friends and watched Princess Diaries 2. It was much fun. But we went to bed at 11:30 and woke up at 4:30 to start the chaos. Christen and I exchanged gifts before waking Jamie up – I got a föm pillow from Brookstone, the extended Empire Records on DVD, Clerks X, a vacuum for my car, a gund teddy bear (gotta get gund!) and something else but I can’t remember. Then we drove to my mom’s house and exchanged gifts there, and went to his parents’ house and exchanged gifts there, and to his Nana’s to do the big gift exchange and breakfast and lunch and poker!, which is my favorite part of a holiday at Nana’s. I got gift certificates to Best Buy, Circuit City, Sport’s Authority (to get my bowling ball), Barnes & Noble (woohoo!), and Red Lobster and got lots of froggie things (3 pairs of froggie socks, froggie accessories for my car, a wine glass with frogs on it, etc etc etc) and money and other random things that I can’t remember. I never care much about what I get, but I had a really good time. The pralines went over well with the mothers and grandmothers, although my mom’s pit bull ate hers when she left the room and got very sick. Stupid dog. I have to make her some more this week, since I do have leftover pecans and cream. Sunday we went to my dad’s to exchange gifts with him (got money from him, woohoo!) and to Best Buy to use up my gift certificate and so Christen could get a HDMI to DVI converter for his new DVD player. He got one that upscales to HD quality, but I can’t see it. He can’t either, so he’s not too happy with it. We’ll see if he keeps it; I have to keep bugging him to return things he doesn’t like because otherwise it just sits in the apt. collecting dust.
So I think I might be getting sick. It may just be the constant change in temperature, but my nose is all runny and my throat is constantly dry. And I keep sneezing. That’s no good. It seems to be warming up a little, so maybe it’ll get better.
Christen stepped on my glasses last night, so I’m wearing my old ones until I get my good ones fixed. Ugh. I hate these; the prescription isn’t quite right and I have a constant headache. I had them ground at the same time as my other ones, but it’s still not the same. Plus they have those stupid nose things that leave impressions on my nose. Arg. I’m stopping by VisionWorks on my way home today to drop them off. Hopefully Sheila still works there so I don’t have to pay. She always hooks me up.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m trying very hard to use the appropriate capitalization. I figure I may as well, so that’s one of my New Year’s resolutions. I’m starting early. Since I’ve decided to make resolutions this year, here they are:
1) Start capitalizing correctly. Arg.
2) Find a new job. And take a leave until February when I get said job so that I can get my bonus from this job (for making the year and quarter. Read: major bucks.
3) Get in better shape. Will keep this by riding my bike at night at keeping a food journal, cutting out soda and most sweetened tea so I can splurge with a bit of candy, because I know I can’t cut all of that out.

merry christmas!

merry christmas, everyone! it's 5:19 the next morning and i can't sleep.

the purse/book tote i made for melissa's birthday 

if you put out an album, what would it be called?

and it can't be your name, your band's name, or the title of any song on your album.
christen's would be "whatchu mean, walk da earf?"
the jury's still out on mine.
and i want answers, people, answers!

this quiz rocks. rox, even!

You are 67% geek

You are a geek. Good for you! Considering the endless complexity of the universe, as well as whatever discipline you happen to be most interested in, you'll never be bored as long as you have a good book store, a net connection, and thousands of dollars worth of expensive equipment. Assuming you're a technical geek, you'll be able to afford it, too. If you're not a technical geek, you're geek enough to mate with a technical geek and thereby get the needed dough. Dating tip: Don't date a geek of the same persuasion as you. You'll constantly try to out-geek the other.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

one of the pics i took of my gram's grave 

everything i made today 

the tote bag i made for my sister 

hey, i've never seen the sun come up in the west?

where in my "welcome to florida" handbook does it account for 35 degree weather? i didn't see that. i certainly wouldn't have chosen to live here if that were the case. oh wait, i didn't choose. the carolinas? sure, it'll be cold. i can live there. my choice, even. but freakin' florida is supposed to be sunny, you hear me, damn it! sunny and warm!

i really meant to sleep in today, but it didn't happen. i was up again at 8:30. i was a productive little girl, though. i finished that tote for jamie and 4 pillows (hurrah!) so all i have is a little purse thing for deja (daughter of friend from work) that should take no time at all. she's 3 -- i can do the whole thing on the machine because she wouldn't notice the difference. i'll do that tomorrow night when i make my dishes for the wednesday potluck. i'm making stuffing and cranberry sauce. yum yum. :D

i took my brother and sister to lunch today (with jamie's friend; she was there so i couldn't exclude her, much as i would like to). the damn guy from the credit union called me at 9am to tell me i didn't have enough money in my account for my car payment (which i knew; i had planned on driving a check over tonight) but he was so forceful about it that i dropped everything and drove over to dunedin (an hour drive, thank you) to take him the check and he wasn't there. no office hours until 1:30. so why the fuck was he calling me at 9am?! i am on time every friggin' month for my car payment. asshole. for that i drove the 10 minutes from dunedin to palm harbor to see the sibs and take them to lunch. i'm such a good sister (i'm a sucker).

this is what i'm saying, though. in tampa it takes forever to drive from one part of the city to the other, and it's not even really that big. if you live in one section, you don't even want to battle the traffic and lights to get to another part of tampa. but in pinellas (that's the county across the bay, where my mom lives and i grew up) it's no problem to go anywhere. us19 runs the entire length of the county and there are plenty of ways to get anywhere you want to go. 10 minutes to any mall, 15 to get to any normal place, and when traffic gets real bad, there are a million and one other ways to get to the same place. arg. i hate tampa.

if only your wife was this dirty.

i saw that written in the dirt of some guy's back window. sure beats "wash me" any day. i knew i shouldn't leave the house today. all morning i debated: sew, shop, sew, shop ... i chose shop. i made the wrong choice.

mostly the reason i chose to shop was because i agreed to take a thumbdrive to christen's mother, and i figured as long as i'm on my way out i may as well. no. no. no. i got lost. you wonder how, right? well, his mother lives off of waters and armenia, so in order to get to citrus park (where best buy was) i needed to take anderson to busch. but i missed anderson. does henderson go all the way through? i wasn't sure, so i passed it up. i took the next road. let me tell you, twelve oaks blvd does not go all the way through. half an hour later i found shelden, which does go all the way through. best buy didn't have what i wanted. circuit city didn't have it. i went to rhino games on busch and they had it (the older contra for ps2). on my way out i figure out what rhino is on the corner of -- busch and henderson. argggg!

plus no one wanted to go faster than 30 mph on busch (50 mph minimun) and i think i got motion sickness from changing gears so much.

on the plus side, though, the dude at the meat market beat my chicken for me. hehe.

it's really not a euphemism. i'm making chicken kiev tonight, and i usually make a giant mess hammering it flat (no mallet, all i have is a hammer that i cover in foil). so i asked the dude to do it for me. all the guys behind the counter got a good laugh at he who was beating it though. cuz, you know, he was beating it!

fred mcgriff came by the store the other day. he's really in a lot, but i don't pay attention to the fact that it's fred mcgriff. he's really nice though -- looked at laptops. sarah was standing near the front and turns to holly (when she directed him to laptops) and says, "you know who that is, right?" and she didn't. i don't see where it matters. i sat 3 tables over from derek jeter one time for breakfast when i went out with brad and his family. his dad was freaking out about it.

could just be that i'm not into baseball. if martin st. louis came into the store i'd be all over getting an autograph.

safe pedestrians? i laugh at you.

there's a story on the news today about how tampa is the least safe area for pedestrians. they run this exact story every year, and it never gets any better.

as a matter of fact, florida has 5 of the top 10. does this bother anyone else?

1. Orlando

2. Tampa-St. Petersburg

3. W. Palm Beach-Boca Raton

4. Miami-Fort Lauderdale

5. Memphis, Tenn.

6. Atlanta

7. Greensboro-Winston Salem, N.C.

8. Houston-Galveston

9. Jacksonville

10. Phoenix

blahhhhhhhhhhh ...........g?

okay. 1 l&o movie and 4 l&o episodes and i'm fried. i've wrapped all the presents i've bought (yeah, yeah, eventually i'll finish that shopping) and not finished any of the sewing projects i planned for presents. however, (woohoo, there's a however!) i have 3 days off this week so i have much more time to procrastinate. as long as i finish jamie's tote bag before she comes to stay with me (i should probably finish all the other sewing projects too, since she has plans for 5-6 pillows to make when she comes over) i'll be set. so tomorrow it's sewing sewing shopping! hurrah!

i swear i'm not a harpy!

it was an interesting evening ... christen's mother has been riding us to get pictures together so we did last night. half an hour and 96 dollars later, we went for dinner at logan's steakhouse and saw ocean's 12. pictures look like shit, logan's was good but we left our leftovers in a box on the table, and the movie was pretty good but the cinematography sucked ass. they used that hand-cam technique that is all shaky so it looks like they're following behind the guy on foot ... it gives me such a headache. last time i hated the filming of a movie worse was changing lanes, which i refuse to watch again. i had a migrane for two days afterward.

one of these days (hopefully before christmas) i'll finish my sister's tote bag. maybe i should be working on it now .....

i got to see autumn's scar yesterday -- she had brain surgery last wednesday, and i finally had time to go visit her and bring her stargazer lilies. she likes calla lilies best, but i couldn't get them. the florist gauged me on the freaking stems, too. spent a few hours with her; it made me realize how much i really miss spending time with her. she's been seeing this guy david since early this year, and i think he's really stabling her out a little. and she've even stopped smoking (and still she's stable!).

i also got white roses for my gram's grave, and finally got the guts to visit it. she died in 2000 during finals week and was buried when i had to take a final (from one of those teachers who have ridiculous "no make-ups" rules) so i never went. then i was just too chicken. it's easier to forget that she's dead when i don't see it. i broke down horribly; i was hysterical. but i'm glad i went. i miss her.

my best picture 

dr. dick doodle 

wow it's early for my day off ...

i've never gotten up this early on my day off. at least, not without a reason (you know, disney world and all that). but i woke up and was like "hey, i'm not tired!" and for once, i didn't follow that up by rolling over and going back to sleep. so i'm eating a bowl of half-stale corn pops (still tasty!) and watching the end of the river wild on usa.

i went to burn my new tmbg cd and found that i was missing one of the tracks. arg. so i emailed them to see if i can get the track (damn good times, atlanta) so i have the full album that i paid for. we'll see. i really don't want to pay for it again, especially since it took me all freaking day to get it to work (everytime i downloaded i got empty files) and finally around 10 pm (a full 12 hours later) i downloaded song by song and it worked. yay! but now i need that last song.

my favorite tree (taken from www.nice-tits.org) 

dr. dick.

it was in college when i met richard.

we call him richard now, because he's dating shelley and she'd kill us for calling him dick.

i digress.

so shelley and i and some random friends that no longer exist in my world were sitting around at the ashtray (this piece of cooper hall that juts out a bit so we could be higher than all the other numbnuts that hung out there) killing time between classes. this big jolly guy walks by, and he knows one of the guys in our little group. he's introduced to us as richard, but i'm feeling slightly sarcastic, so i start calling him dick. i tell everyone about this gyno whose name was richard prick and who went by dr. dick. i don't remember anymore if it was a real story or an urban legend, but the name stuck. for months he was dr. dick. then, as we were all english majors (except richard, he was business admin) we decided to make him the leader of our "band," dr. dick delicious and the dangling participles.

i know; we're dorks.

can't spell procrastination without the p-r-o ... you get the idea.

i have set apart today to do all of my christmas shopping, only i still don't have any idea what to get anyone. here's my list:
christen: well, i was going to break down and get him a sirius tuner for his truck, but he wants one that will work with his cd player and not one of those external ones you see everywhere. the problem with that is the dude at circuit city said they're not making them right now because they were having problems and they plan on having another manufacturer make the tuners in '05. so for '04 i'm screwed. now what i'm getting him is ???

mom: AAA and these cute renoir cafe car screen things that she probably won't use but they look nice. and i bought them for me but they don't fit my car. i'll probably get her something else while i'm shopping today.

dad: a nice b/w sailboat pic from work and a mini paperweight clock shaped like a golf bag.

jamie: a bunch of art supplies and a new journal, and i'm making her a strawberry shortcake tote (i'll post a pic when i'm done -- it's very cute)

ian: as many used books as i could get for about 30 bucks, and copies of those new tmbg albums. plus, i made the cover art into these nifty cd sleeves.

shea: ???

kyle: ???

christen's parents: ???

snacob:a big fat juicy mouse.

the girls at work: i think i'm going to make them all little pillows with their initials on them. i think. and for deja i'm going to make a little strawberry shortcake purse with my leftover fabric (she's 3, she'll understand).

but now i should be taking my game back to blockbuster before they charge me another $6 and go shopping for all these people. i'm not as bad off in the gift-giving catagory as i thought. but i still should get going.
in other news, i've hooked up my tree lights to the plug that i can use the lightswitch for, so now i've no reason to go behind the couch anymore. whew yeah, because that was hard work.

they might be your downloads!

tmbg released two new albums available for download only (www.theymightbedownloads.com). hurrah! you don't want to know the problems i had with this today -- it was an all day affair. but i now have almanac and venues. yay! get yours today!

fireplaces.

another store called the other day to get our fax number. they were having trouble with their fax, and wanted to see if they could fax out but, and i quote, "the fax machine was sorta on fire." on fire? a fax machine? how cow! how? i can only assume that it was smoking or something. things don't just catch on fire.

unless you leave a candle on it.

a girl at work came in awhile ago and said that she no longer had a big screen tv. (correction: her boyfriend no longer had a big screen tv.) she had left a candle burning on top of the tv and it burned through the plastic, fell through the box and caught the whole thing on fire. the only thing i can imagine is those videos of a fireplace that you can put on during christmas. fire!

odd?

what does it mean if you dream about blogging? i had some wierd dreams last night. but here's an interesting tidbit (not from the dream):

picture this hypothetical situation ....

wait, how do you picture a hypothetical? anywho ...

so girl and boy are in bed watching television. they're naked because that's how they sleep, but she's frisky and he's getting tired. so a very bad movie is on tbs (it'll be a guess that movie later) but she watches it anyhow while she messes with him, trying to get him awake and "in the mood." finally, after he has turned on his stomach with his face toward her she shoves her boob in his face and says, "suck it .... bitch."

giggling fits ensue and nothing happens.

stupid movie quotes.

wait, did i say hypothetical? ummm, yeah.

now for the name that movie:

"pain heals and chicks dig scars, but glory is forever."

i'm a lazy bitch.

because 'bitch' makes it sound so much better.

i've actually got some things done. snacob's cage got cleaned out and he ate one large mouse (i actually did this all by myself a la jeff corwin -- i put him in a handy scooby pillowcase while i cleaned).

and i made beef stroganoff the other night (not last night; that was grilled hot dogs). it was damn tasty. i think i'll take the leftovers to work tomorrow for lunch, unless christen doesn't come hom for dinner and then i'm eating it tonight. this leads me to my 10 favorite things to cook:

1) lasagne.

2) chicken bryan a la carrabba's

3) rosemary chicken with roasted potatoes.

4) beef stroganoff

5) chicken mignon

6) pancakes

7) mushroom rice

8) macaroni & cheese (baked and stove top -- have i mentioned lately how much i love mac & cheese?)

9) sausage stuffing

10) challah braided bread

11) all of thanksgiving dinner

12) prailines

13) chili

14) homemade chicken noodle soup

15) cookies

oh, did i say 5? oh, the hell with it. i love me some cookin'.

anywho, i've mostly been lazy because i've looked at my blog (this is the reason all those links are on the left -- quick access) but i've not been writing. at all. but oh well, you know? fuck it. hehe. yeah, that's it! fuck it. fuck it all, dammit. oh wait. i don't curse.

the 4 and 5 of the "unrequited loves" shouldn't count because i was the one doing the unrequiting. so screw it. i didn't like them. they liked me. back and forth, repeat as necessary. repeat until you enjoy it, sucker.

plus, 5 will also be in my "4 most ridiculous situations i've ever gotten myself into," and will be known as "my-god-scott-i-swear-you-get-shorter-everytime-i-see-you." so you'll know the story; no need to do it twice.

unrequited loves.

1)nathan perley. 4th grade. in mrs. uhl's class there were not desks; there were round brown tables. mrs. uhl, being the extra smart teacher that she was, decided that all the left-handed kids should sit at the same table so we wouldn't bother our neighbors (the beginning of my ousting). i don't remember most of the people that sat at that table with me, but i do remember nathan. i had the googly eyes for him from the beginning. i'd stare sideways at him while he worked on his writing assignments; i joined art club to be closer to him (and to make really cool fake mcd's fries from melting yellow crayons and dipping styrofoam strips into it). but when valentine's day came around, laura, the short jehovah's witness (that's all i remember about her -- she didn't stand for the pledge) got the "would you be mine?" valentine, while i got the "you're a pal" valentine. and then i got stuck disecting an owl pellet with frank q. yick on all accounts.

2)clay hardman. 5th grade. so i got over nathan (he moved, i think) and clay transferred into my class halfway through the school year. it was here that i learned my stalking tactics. there was a girl that i knew in his apartment complex. we shortly became best friends. i spent the night at her house whenever i could, we roamed the complex at dusk hoping to get a peak at him (and his brother -- they traveled in packs). then one day she and clay ... well, let's just say she got the better valentine. and to hold hands with him.

3)jeff klein. 6th-8th. i fell hard for jeff. hard. due to the wonders of alphabetical seating charts, he and i always sat very close to each other and in 6th grade we were in 5 out of 7 classes together. jeff had the adorable habit (we all know i love the class clown) of making snide comments under his breath, and i laughed every single time. every time. i was the stupid giggling girl. i perfected my stalking techniques, getting invited to the same birthday parties (my roll of film from olivia lupee's 12th birthday has a piece of him in every picture) finding out his address, biking past it every weekend hoping he'd be around ... (he lived on jefferson, how cute is that?) memorizing his phone number and calling and hanging up ... in my yearbook i made little hearts next to his picture and then wrote (not!) next to it ... like i was fooling anyone.

he had to have known i liked him. everyone else knew, right? i even got up the courage to ask him to my 13th birthday party, and he gave me a stuffed squirrel, which i cherished for years (i may still even have it somewhere) but nothing ever came of it. every once in awhile i still drive by his parents' house to see what's going on with him. last i knew he was going to pfeiffer university majoring in poly-sci.

4 and 5 tomorrow.

i think someone's getting married.

the lady that lives two doors down from me keeps walking back and forth in front of my window in a fancy white dress. and then some other chick walked by in a black foofoo dress. i think someone's getting married. i'd wish her luck but i don't talk to them. it's kind of an icky day though, so i hope she's doing it inside.

so this morning i was all for it being cold because it's been quite chilly the last few days. i woke up at 11 (i know, i know ... but i'll have to get up at 6 the rest of the week, so i'm getting it while i can) and put on a long-sleeved black button-down ... yeah, it was 85 degrees out. i changed.

went to lunch with christen today. the dude at alehouse marvelled that christen had company today, since he goes there every day by himself. i don't like alehouse, actually. i usually get a hotdog. today i got the french dip but it wasn't very good. oh well, i got to see christen and that's important.

i went to just books again today and bought some for my brother for christmas. i've now filled a paper box with books, so i think he's good for awhile. i also stopped at michaels for drawing supplies and b&n for a good animal drawing book (for jamie). i bought charcoal pencils, but now i don't know if i should get drawing pencils instead. i don't draw, so i don't know.

i found out today that a good friend is being proposed to this month (i don't use names just in case, because i was told to keep my mouth shut. i'm keeping my mouth shut, but what about if i let my fingers do the talking?) and while i'm jealous, i'm also so happy for her. she's been with her boyfriend much longer than christen and i've been together, so good for her. i got the day off, so we'll be there when it happens. yay!

for autumn. (a poem)

autumn is death
for the play in numbers
finding joy in places
of brilliant creation.


autumn is death
with a straight razor
at the throat of a plump gazelle
or boar, stealing life
from worthlessness.


autumn is life
within death
a voice of succulent
maliciousness
in her marrow
of midnight danger.


autumn brings me
dandelions and calla lilies
in fanciness
in happiness
and in death.

this is it.

this is my third day off in a row.

i think i should go christmas shopping, but i still don't know what to get people. and oddly, my closest friends lately have been blogging people that i don't really know but feel inclined to get christmas presents for. so this is what i've come up with for people:

my sister: painting supplies and a few canvases so she might try her luck at painting.

my brother: as many used books as i can get him for 20-25 dollars. i'm scouring the bookstores for lovecraft right now.

my mom: AAA for her shitty nissan she's getting friday.

my dad: ???

christen: ???

shea: ???

kyle: ???

i usually get brad, autumn, adrian, shelley and richard things, but i don't know if i am this year. i don't see anyone anymore socially. everyone is so busy (me included). if i see something that is specifically "them", i'll pick it up. but i do that anyhow. autumn is going into the hospital on dec. 8 for almost a week (brain/spine surgery) and i'm very worried about her, so i might shop for her just to get my mind off of it. and i might get jordan a present to make him not grouchy, as he has been during finals.

i slept till 11 yesterday, and decided to go to my mother's. dern dogs. her pit stepped on my big toe (i should learn from this experience never to wear flipflips to her house) and scratched it up (but you know i won't learn). she has three huge dogs (1 lab/chow mix, 1 pit and 1 mastiff) ... as well as 2-3 snakes, 3 cats (i contributed, neko is mine but he kept peeing on the carpet so i gave him to her), 2 ferrets, a hamster and 2 birds. and a partridge in a pear tree. she's also had an array of iguanas, a sugar glider (i met him when i had a sunburn. ouch, those are razer claws!) and a variety of other animals. my mother's house is why palm harbor claims to have a zoo already. :)

then last night was the store christmas party. we had olive garden, which was pretty good, and sat around the funiture pad. and i got to play with katie, sarah's baby, and deja, jessica's daughter. so i had a good time. i got a christopher lowell candle set. yay! and we bought a vonage setup kit so i'll have a home phone soon.

high score last night: 133.

all scores: 130, 133, 98, 117, 108, 112, 94.

terrible. (with spanish accent)

but! but! i got my first turkey ever. yay!

something borrowed.

found this on someone else's blog (indydown) and thought it was amusing so it ended up here.

The Columbus Dispatch11/16/04CANADA BUSY SENDING BACK BUSH-DODGERS
by Joe Blundo
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night."I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywoodproducer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhaustedand hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. WhenI said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higherfences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakersthat blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," hesaid. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows somuch they wouldn't give milk."Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberalsnear the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drivethem across the border an d leave them to fend for themselves."A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," anOntario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop ofdrinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping busesand quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers."If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies."I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said."We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might putsome endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."

ha! hell yeah, dude.

You scored as Derranged Cat. Wow. . . lay off the halucinogenics and brush your hair once in a while. You're one sick, derranged s.o.b.

Derranged Cat 75% Pissed at the World Cat 67% Ninja Cat 67% Love Machine Cat 58% Drunk Cat 50% Nerd Cat 17% Couch Potato Cat 8%

Which Absurd Cat are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

a superficial dickwad. and 5 favorite comfort foods.

the book for today was her fork in the road -- women celebrate food and travel. a very good book, though i was disappointed to see that the ruth reichl essay was an excerpt from her book tender at the bone, which i've already read. i've also clammered through 63 pages of notes from a small island by bill bryson, which is very amusing. note the british dictionary at the end. also read: 20-odd pages of naked by david sedaris at b&n. must start scouting more local used bookstores -- it's possible i may go broke before christmas.

after starting notes, though, it seems to me i need a good cockney slang dictionary/history book. did you know bread meaning money is from bread and honey? and raspberry tart = fart, which is why blowing a raspberry is making a stinker-noise. i'm fascinated. plates of meat = feet, shortened then to plates.

also, shirt-lifter is a gay male.

we were going to see santa v. the snowman and vikings at the imax dome but got caught up in the hoopla of shopping at citrus park town center. stupid mall. christen made the enlightened reflection that we see the same damn stuff everytime we go, but we still go. a trip to maida's bookstore beforehand made the trip bearable. i bought 3 books for myself and 4 for ian for christmas -- a couple clive barker (the thief of always, which was a fabulous book for any age) and a couple ray bradbury. after the mall we spent nearly two hours trying to get christen's mop cut (his head's been a bit more bushy than usual) by his barber while ducking the old dude's insistence that he cut christen's hair. the last time that happened it wasn't short enough and was way crooked. no thank you, we'll just wait in line for the good barber.

in light of my fascination with food, i've decided to do a number of lists having to do with those fabulous morself. todays? 5 favorite comfort foods. these are foods that are easy peasy to cook and are nice to make when you're by yourself and don't want to do anything.

1) mac & cheese. i will order m&c absolutely anywhere. mimi's? no good. that little pretentious cafe in old hyde park? marvelous. i make it baked and stovetop, but i won't make boxed anymore. when i was young it was velveeta m&c all the way. those kraft powdered things were fine as long as you didn't think of it as cheese; it was a completely different food. now my usual mac and cheese consists of noodles, a little bit of milk and sliced american cheese. american breaks down so the cheese isn't stringy. my recipe: cook approximately 8 0z. noodles until tender. drain. in same pot lower temp. to med. high, put enough milk in pot to cover bottom of pan. one at a time put about 6 slices of american cheese in pot, using each slice of cheese to stir the mixture. stir cheesiness until well mixed, add noodles and mix. eat until overstuffed.

2) grilled cheese. when i was younger we had a sandwich maker so that we wouldn't burn down the house while making our grilled cheese sandwiches. i bought one when i moved out but it stays permenently in my pantry now (though it does make tasty quick pizza and brownies) and i continue to go with the old standby stovetop version. you know the drill. butter both sides, stick a piece of cheese (or two) in between and grill until right before burnt. some people make it in the toaster oven, but i'm still in awe of mine. it makes toast and cookies?

3) buttered egg noodles. this favorite is due to a memory of mine. see this entry for details. i think you should know how to make it. buy egg noodles (i get those cholesteral-free ones), cook till tender, drain and mix with butter. yum yum.

4) peanut butter and jelly. there's no real consensus. i love smooth peanut butter, christen is a crunchy fan. he loves grape and so do i, though i love rasperry sometimes too. but pb&j is love, man. pure love.

5) cereal. this is a real do-it-yourselfer. apple jacks, corn pops, total raisen bran. it's not the meal that matters, it's whether or not you drink the milk. me? if i'm having another bowl i'll reuse. if it's my last bowl, i drink it.

my top 5 teachers.

1) Ms. Dalton. kindergarten (1985). i went to PHE for kindergarten with the butterfly lady. even now people call her the butterfly lady. every year she collected monarch caterpillers and raised them in her classroom so that the kids could learn the metamorphasis process and how to treat them, what they ate, etc. it was a huge thing. they've done stories on her, they muraled one wall of the school with butterflies and cocoons and forests and everything. she was amazing. plus, i freaked her out twice. once i had a nosebleed that was so bad it wouldn't stop bleeding and she thought i had a clotting problem and the other time i got really allergic to the punk trees on the road (those are the trees that have bark like paper) and my eyes swelled shut and had to go home. ahh, allergies, my friend. sweet blinding allergies.

2) Ms. True. freshman english (1998). i learned to love to write, other than whiny poetry.

3) Mr. Hines. 11th grade english (1996). i copped out of advanced english because they wanted a portfolio and all i wanted to do was play cards in the backroom of the bandroom. so i got stuck with the stupid kids. all the non-advanced english classes weren't stupid, but the people in this class were. and i kept getting cheated off of and had to explain everything to the stupid people around me. but mr. hines never lost his cool and made us watch really great movies, like shawshank redemption and the emerald forest and a midnight clear. as opposed to spanish, where the same stupid people convinced profe that friday didn't have anything objectionable in it.

also, i wore this button on my backpack that had pinocchio on it and it said "would i lie?" and he really liked it.

also, he realized that the rest of the people in the class were stupid and let me get a pass to the bandroom whenever i wanted one.

4) Mr. Blackburn. 6th grade geography (1991). it really isn't mr. blackburn's fault that i'm so terrible at geography. he really tried; i know it. but he is responsible for my impecable sense of direction. his introduction to the cardinal directions was to stand on his desk and scream north! while pointing to the north wall of the room. it's engrained in my head now. north!

5) ms. vaccaro & mrs. sapashe. 2nd grade (1987). since they were both my 2nd grade teachers, i feel justified in giving them a tie. ms. vaccaro taught me to close my s's (not to be confused with esses) in cursive, and mrs. sapashe taught us the value of plastic money when she set up shop in her classroom. plus, i learned how to do my 9x tables on my fingers in her class.

when did nick and jessica become sonny and cher?

funny part in the terminal:

the guys are playing cards and the indian dude brings out the grand prize: cher's panties. and they say "these are cher's panties. there are witnesses." and victor says "does that mean we share them?" and black dude says "not if i win them."

so why do nick and jessica have a christmas variety show if they're broken up (if i can believe the tabloids, and i know i can). and a better question: why am i watch it?

i'm not ... anymore. wow, that was major suckage.

better. i thought dirty dancing was on oxygen, but when i turned it on it was clueless instead.

in the spirit of memoirs and christmas (lists) and moocow's (lists) and high fidelity (lists) i'm going to write some ... lists. i'm going for 25 different lists, but i need ideas. favorites, worst things, funniest somethings, most embarrassing stuff, etc. so comment and tell me what to write about. you were just waiting for someone to invite that, right?

when're we going to jasmine thai?

i love making up contractions.
like "when're we going to jasmine thai?"
and "why've you been out all week?"
it's so fun to watch people try to figure out what you mean.

still giving it out for free.

that was a quick intermission, right?

after my excitement over empire records the other night, i did some amazon.com research and found out that there was indeed a new version that came out on june 4th. (which incidentally was when i was supposed to be born. now isn't that interesting? i made mom miss the fireworks though, cuz she was in labor for 13 hours and they found out i was not a boy like they thought on july 5th.) back from sidebar -- the new version has more than 16 minutes of never-before-seen footage. that doesn't really seem like a lot, but it's more like an extra 5 seconds of dialogue in every single seen. and some things are way different. like when liv tyler takes her clothes off for rex manning, in the original he pulls down his zipper and says "let's rock and roll." in the new version he pulls down his zipper and grabs the bottle of salad dressing and says "i hope you like blue cheese." -- another sidebar --- it wasn't blue cheese, it was ranch.

overall, from what i saw the new scenes don't really do much for the movie but the extra lines are very amusing. i talked to christen about it so much last night that i think he's now getting it for me for christmas.

do you have an appointment?

ahh! i can finally get into my blog. it's been frustrating, to say the very least. let's hope it sticks around long enough for me to rattle off an entry and get back to urbz. i have to figure out what to do next, you know?

went to dinner with brad. oh, how i've missed brad. we talked about books and resignments in the white house and what's going on at the paper (when i left i appointed him copy desk chief, and now he's going to be an associate editor) and all that jazz. he bought a book solely because it was published in 1896. he's so like me sometimes i have to look twice, yo. except for the pot and all that. :D he's just sowing his seeds late.

in the news: ken jennings has finally lost. jepardy will be so much more interesting.

also in the news: they're making a new law & order. wonder if it's as good as the others. i'm addicted to l&o.

adrian called to find out about my bakery. actually, he wanted to know how to order the puerto rican bread that i used to get (phonetically it's pan-so-bau, but i have no idea what it really is) without getting laughed out of the bakery. we'll see how it goes. i need to take a trip down there.

i think after the first of the year christen and i are going to try camping around the keys. i don't want to try the mountains in january, but i'll go closer to the border. maybe i can check out all the hemingway shit. there was a little restaurant in clearwater called the rum cay grill that christen and i used to go to, and we called it the hemingway house. it was very neat. they razed it. we were usually the only ones there, so we would get grouper sandwiches and red beans and rice and play rummy for two hours before i had class. good times.

off to urbz now. and law & order.

the quickie (you know you like them)

I didn’t get up in time to blog as I wanted to this morning. I was going to do it anyhow, but I would have been mad late (I was 10 minutes late to begin with). And then I tried to log on but blogger was down. A sign from the heavens, right? So msword will be my friend now and take notes. Take notes, will you? Anyhow, that’s why I’m actually capitalizing some things. Dern msword.
I had a dream last night that a few of my blog pals had come to florida for Christmas and I bought them scrapbooks. Don’t ask me why. For some of the time we were all camping in the north Carolina forests – but in florida. The funny thing is, I don’t think I saw real people. I think I just saw the words “moocow” and “shipwrecked” floating in the air and knew it was them. Odd … I know I’m odd.