wallowing.

do you ever wallow in the past? i went to my mother's in palm harbor today and she gave me this file she found of letters from high school. these are correspondence from a friend i met on a band trip to indy (she lives in indiana), a girl who went into the army after high school, friends from high school, guys who wrote to me to let me know they liked me after they moved away(yes, there were two) ...

so i'm indulging in memories of high school. a large pile (about an inch thick here) of the letters is correspondence with my friend bill, whose best friend was my senior year boyfriend. after gary and i broke up because he made out with a colorguard girl on the bus to miami, bill and i would talk about how messed up gary was and how to get us back together. it was ... a different time. you'd have to know bill though. he spoke with a highly enunciated speech pattern and worshipped german military. he called gary "der fuhrer." he was a gentleman; he is who i got my extremely perverse sense of humor from.

so i've been trying to decide if i should try to write him a letter and mail it to the last place i know that he lived in hopes of talking to him again. he was such a sweetheart. i also want to write to michele in indiana, and gary's sister (who really was my best friend in high school) and matt, who is in law school at uf right now, and kyle who wrote to tell me that his "crush" was now an infatuation, and david in kansas who said that the reason all the guys like me is that i "have a great personality, a beautiful smile and look totally innocent. you're also very fun to be around. you also are very pretty and have great hair, eyes, ..." (the rest of that sentence was scratched out.)

life was so complicated then, but i knew how to manipulate it. what am i doing now?